The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.: How To Flood Your Kitchen

10.23.2009:

How To Flood Your Kitchen

10:45 AM

There are many, many ways one could go about flooding their kitchen, and I'm not going to judge you for picking a method other than my preferred method, even if you are stupid for ignoring a clearly superior method... You asshole.

1) Have your wife complain that the hot water is running out too fast. This is the lynchpin in the entire process - your wife must complain during a shower that the hot water is running out too quickly. Or, it could be your husband. I won't judge, even if he's not the sort of man to go about flooding your kitchen and passes off responsibility to you... That pussy.

2) Have a truck with a flat tire in the driveway. This is optional, but will help greatly with the process, as you need something else to work on while you're flooding your kitchen. Or it could be a car.

3) Turn off the hot water valve at the water heater. This will halt the flow of water into your water heater. You can leave it on, but then you'd be a fucking retard. Don't be a fucking retard. Turn it off.

4) Connect a drain hose to the exit valve of the water heater. This is so you can drain the water heater and clear it of sediment and clear any air pressure that has built in the resovior. Yes, I know I spelled resovoir wrong. I don't give a fuck. I won't let you or this stupid red line underlining the word tell me what to do. I'm my own man, who fixes his own water heater and floods his own kitchen.

5) Turn on the hot water valve in the kitchen. This is to open the pipe and allow air to enter as you drain the water heater. If you don't do this, you won't get any movement out of the exit valve on the water heater.

6) Remove the sprayer nozzle from its hose. This is so you can blow into that end and expedite the siphon action on the exit valve on the water heater. NOTE: It is VITAL that you leave the hose without the sprayer handle hanging over the edge of the sink and pointed at the floor when you go out to begin drawing the water out of the exit valve.

7) Watch a ton of shit pour out of your water heater. This crap is why your hot water stops getting so hot, and why your wife complains in the shower. Or your husband the pussy. Either one.

8) Jack up your truck and begin working on the flat tire.

9) Decide to stop working on the flat tire because you cut your finger and need to put a bandage on it, and after you've done that, decide the water heater has done enough draining for the day.

10) Turn off the exit valve on the water heater.

11) Remove the drain hose.

12) Turn on the hot water valve to the water heater.

13) Finish working on your truck's flat tire. Take as long as you want. The more time you spend doing this, the better result you'll get on your final goal.

14) Hear the dog barking.

15) Look back toward the kitchen door leading to the garage.

16) See water flowing through the space of the slightly-opened door.

17) Say aloud the following words: "Oh, SHIT!"

Congratulations. You've just flooded your kitchen. I'm very proud of you.

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6 Comments:

Pickledllama said...: Beautiful! I'll hire you next time I need something that involves water repaired.; 10/23/2009 11:41 AM
amy grace said...: I figured it out! You skipped 11a and 11b, right? I'm going to rewrite this as how NOT to flood your kitchen and go clean my water heater. Or maybe I'll marry a pussy and have him do it.; 10/23/2009 12:37 PM
Jaguar said...: 1st off, yay for blog posts.
2nd off, what kind of pussy puts a band-aid on his finger? Either its a big enough cut that you need stitches, or man up and wipe it on your pants.; 10/23/2009 12:51 PM
amy grace said...: HAHAHAH, what Jaguar said. Seconded. AHHAHHHAHAHAH. :); 10/23/2009 12:57 PM
Captain Booyakka said...: Pics or it didn't happen!; 10/23/2009 1:51 PM
Anonymous said...: I concur, we wanta see it!; 10/23/2009 6:54 PM