The Journal of Joe The Peacock. Yay.: Coffee Snobs Can Enjoy The Complex Flavors of DEEZ NUTS

10.06.2009:

Coffee Snobs Can Enjoy The Complex Flavors of DEEZ NUTS

11:33 AM

Hi there, coffee snobs. You know who you are.

It's about time someone calls you on your bullshit. Fuck you and your complex flavors and your aromas and your delicate blend nonsense. I'm glad you've found your way around your own pallette to enjoy a bittery black fluid as some sort of delicate vintage of fermented beverage. But really, if you've found time in your day to roast your own beans to the perfect color, grind them with a titanium burr-grinder to the perfect kernel size, brew them at exactly the right temperature and enjoy the complex flavors of the perfectly brewed cup of coffee, you're not doing enough with your life.

Get the fuck out of your retardo selfish life and go volunteer at a homeless shelter for an afternoon. You'll soon figure out that the perfect cup of coffee is the one you can afford to drink right this very second.

Now, don't get me wrong - weak-as-piss, overbrewed crap coffee makes me gag. And I absolutely do prefer a well-brewed cup of coffee to a watery hodge-podge of soaked grounds that's been warmed to room temperature - this is why I like Starbucks and not Waffle House. The coffee is strong, stout and tasty. But there's a very fine line between crap, "something made correctly" and "something taken to its unnatural, elitist extremes." See-thru coffee = crap. Starbucks = correctly made. What you guys are doing... Well, I think you've gotten the point by now.

And no matter how well the coffee is made, there's no point in drinking the shit black. It's bitter and gross. I absolutely require cream and sugar in my coffee - it's how I like my drink. It's tasty. It makes me happy, and it speeds the delivery of caffeine to my system, which is coffee's purpose. It's high-octane and legal and makes me a better person. The flavor is something you tolerate until you learn to enjoy it. Humanity's relationship with coffee is a multi-generational case of Stockholm Syndrome with a beverage. It holds us hostage, and we learn to love it. Case closed. Any attempt to find delicacies in a cup of coffee makes you a fucking prick.

I'm not sorry. Shut the fuck up already and let me drink my coffee.

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3 Comments:

cycoivan said...: Ditto for beer and wine snobs. I like Miller High Life, OK? That does not make me less of a person.

A Coors Light drinker is someone to be pitied. :); 10/06/2009 2:09 PM
CallieMo said...: What if I drink my coffee black 99% of the time because I depise the taste of milk and don't really like things sweet? It's not about complexity or any of the things you're saying, but if you watched me get my coffee at a shop, you'd probably assume I was one of "them" when it's just a matter of what tastes good to each of us.

SirGeek takes his coffee with a bit of milk and sugar and when I've tasted it, it's gross to me because all I can taste is the sugar and milk. :(

Oh yeah, the other 1% of the time when I don't drink it black, I put like a half pack of Splenda in because the coffee is burnt or nasty and I need to offset that flavor.; 10/06/2009 2:59 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm not a coffee snob, but most blends I can not drink. They give me stomach cramps. I found out it has to do with the roasting time.
I think the longer it is roasted the lighter the oil content is.
So far I can't drink anything lighter than a columbian blend or darker roast.
I have stuck with Folgers for years, and I don't care if it cost more.
Screw starbucks,their coffee sucks. I would rather spend 10 bucks on a can of coffee and make it at home, then spend it on one lousy cup of their watered down sludge they pass off as gourmet.; 10/07/2009 11:53 PM