3.20.2009:
The Ultimate Guide To Twitter
2:16 AMSo, after spending a week exploring all the facets of Twitter after more than tripling my followers in 48 hours, I've become quite the expert on the darling of the social networking media marketing blitz thing whatever. I guess since MySpace died and all the kids left, it got boring reporting on predators talking to themselves (and stripperbots), so the media jumped on the Twitter bandwagon. (I could continue linking well into this sentence, but am now bored with finding links.)
And so, it seems, has everyone else. Tons of celebrities and social media experts and bloggers and SEO giants and other people who really have nothing else to do all day but think about themselves in 140 characters or less and share with everyone the enormity of those thoughts are on Twitter. And so, here's my Ultimate Guide to Twitter, for everyone who is considering hopping on the tool and formulating their Twitter strategy to fame and fortune.
First off, It's important to note that, if you actually have a Twitter Strategy, you're a dickhead. This isn't an insult, it's just a statement of fact, and the more we know about ourselves as people, the more we can grow and evolve and achieve oneness. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but better you hear it from me than from someone you actually care about. The fact that you can't just enjoy a service for the silliness of it and actually decided to build a "strategy" around it exposes you for who you are. I'm honor-bound to point it out to you. You're welcome.
Now, in formulating your Twitter Strategy, you should decide if you're going to take the slow, arduous, hard-fought path of amassing tons of people who don't give a shit about you and only follow you in the hopes you'll follow them back so they can grow THEIR numbers, or if you'll take the quick and easy path and follow the top Twitterers who follow you back, insult them in various ways so they reply with your name, and watch your ranks swell.
You'll probably pick #2. It's the quick path to self-perceived glory, so I really have no doubt that that's what you'll do. I kinda did it the hard way, and I recommend the easy way. Why? Because no matter what you do, you will end up following these people anyway. It will happen. Just watch. And once you do, you'll figure out what I've figured out:
Twitter, by and large, is a gigantic circle-jerk of marketing and SEO "Experts" and conservative Republican dipshit retards, all tweeting and following one another in the hopes that they'll get followed back to make their numbers look great, then go off and sell their strategies to companies. Oh, and Barack Obama.
There you go. That's all you need to know about Twitter in a nutshell, if you're planning on using it in a strategy of some sort.
If you're not, basically Twitter is a service where you can let people know when you're pooping, eating, or have a clever witticism which you will inevitably butcher so that it fits into 140 characters, confusing everyone. And by everyone, I mean the friends of yours who don't mind knowing all of these things and decide to follow you, which are the same friends who already know all these things about you, which means it'll get boring eventually. Until one of you follow Trent Reznor or one of the Marketing / SEO "experts" or one of the wingnut republican dipshits and the whole cycle described above starts up.
Enjoy!
***Updated March 23, 2009 about 4:45pm***
I figured I'd just let this caffeine-adled ranty post was going to just sit on its own and be what it is, but given some of the comments, I figured what the hell, I'll respond.
A) I've actually been on Twitter since sometime early 2007, shortly after it was the hot masturbation fodder at SXSW. I've only now decided to abuse it to figure out what the hell everyone's so excited about.
B) Sorry that I've upset some people. It's hard realizing that your reality is a thin veil of your own perception, filled with hot air... And it hurts when that veil has holes poked in it. I know. It'll be okay though, soon enough you'll grow bored of Twitter and find the next thing to be an "expert" about, co-opting it to be some mainstream vision of what you deem important. Trust me, it's very Battlestar Galactica this way - it has all happened before, and it will all happen again. That is, until someone finds the gene that causes dipshitness and someone else builds a bomb to chemically neuter all of you who have it.
C) Twitter has NO VALUE. None. Period. It is a service for saying 'hi'. Using it for more than that isn't against the law or even against the grain of it's intended use... Just know what it is. The only reason Twitter is popular right now is because people have decided Twitter is popular. It's the Paris Hilton of the tech world... Known for it's name and not much else. It's not like Facebook or Google, where the data being collected is actually worth something (Facebook knows more about you each and every time you use it, and long after you've left, the MASSIVE database all about you is still going to be worth a lot to the next hot service looking to sell you things. Twitter? Well... They have NO valuation whatsoever. They can't charge for tweets, because everyone will drop it in a heartbeat. They can't append ads, because both everyone will drop it AND the bandwith issues [Fail Whale shows up when someone decides #penis is a hot topic and tweets it to death... do you think Twitter can actually handle ads too?]). Twitter is the 2009 equivalent of the Tulip economy. It's only value proposition is it own name.
D) THIS IS JUST A STUPID BLOG POST. Think I'm full of shit? Great! Move on to another blog (preferably one about SEO Marketing Blue-sky Long Tails) and shut the fuck up.
A) I've actually been on Twitter since sometime early 2007, shortly after it was the hot masturbation fodder at SXSW. I've only now decided to abuse it to figure out what the hell everyone's so excited about.
B) Sorry that I've upset some people. It's hard realizing that your reality is a thin veil of your own perception, filled with hot air... And it hurts when that veil has holes poked in it. I know. It'll be okay though, soon enough you'll grow bored of Twitter and find the next thing to be an "expert" about, co-opting it to be some mainstream vision of what you deem important. Trust me, it's very Battlestar Galactica this way - it has all happened before, and it will all happen again. That is, until someone finds the gene that causes dipshitness and someone else builds a bomb to chemically neuter all of you who have it.
C) Twitter has NO VALUE. None. Period. It is a service for saying 'hi'. Using it for more than that isn't against the law or even against the grain of it's intended use... Just know what it is. The only reason Twitter is popular right now is because people have decided Twitter is popular. It's the Paris Hilton of the tech world... Known for it's name and not much else. It's not like Facebook or Google, where the data being collected is actually worth something (Facebook knows more about you each and every time you use it, and long after you've left, the MASSIVE database all about you is still going to be worth a lot to the next hot service looking to sell you things. Twitter? Well... They have NO valuation whatsoever. They can't charge for tweets, because everyone will drop it in a heartbeat. They can't append ads, because both everyone will drop it AND the bandwith issues [Fail Whale shows up when someone decides #penis is a hot topic and tweets it to death... do you think Twitter can actually handle ads too?]). Twitter is the 2009 equivalent of the Tulip economy. It's only value proposition is it own name.
D) THIS IS JUST A STUPID BLOG POST. Think I'm full of shit? Great! Move on to another blog (preferably one about SEO Marketing Blue-sky Long Tails) and shut the fuck up.
* * *
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45 Comments:
*excitedly awaits Joe's next Twitter "I'm Poopin'!" update*
NOT!
"Twitter, by and large, is a gigantic circle-jerk of marketing and SEO "Experts" and conservative Republican dipshit retards"
What?
lol anon ^ is one of them. article is right on the money
I'm currently pooping
And your description of Twitter is different that what you are doing with this blog post how?
I agree with most of the above. There's nothing saying you have to have tons of followers though, and nothing saying you have to use all 14o characters. I've been distilling this philosophy of yours into convenient pre-formatted tweetable tweets here: http://search.twitter.com/search?q=attn.+jackassletters
Uhm you rule :)
"conservative Republican dipshit retards"
Such class.
Hahahaha. Well written :)
I may be Anonymous too, but at least I'm not a conservative Republican dipshit retard like that other one.
Such ass.
haha joe gots haters
Hehehe...funny shiz. It's amazing how our world of 'infinite information' keeps evolving.
peace
Fifty-nine percent of the Usage Panel rejects the use of enormity as a synonym for immensity.
-slow clap-
I respect this, the whole twitter thing is getting out of hand by people saying it's more than simply "what are you doing right now"
your opinion is sad
Well, at least the brevity of the messages filters out the bloviating self-promoters that pollute the rest of the "social networking" world.
Hmmm.
Ok, it doesn't quite filter them out, but it makes them hate Twitter.
Twitter seems to be the perfect medium for Americans, who routinely score the lowest IQ/education of the Western world.
I think Twitter is pretty cool...and you can learn a lot if you use it in the right way...It is a information resource!
Joe we need a shitrep. Are you in fact pooping?
IT doesn't matter which party you a support.You are all fools if
think are gov't really cares about we the people.Open your minds
to this re-ality.
MJ
The United States of America is the best country even though are past and present leaders all have narcissistic personalities.
perfect. ty
wow you are so right! twitter is part of the right wing conspiracy movement. ha! and john mccain thought he had us fooled when he said his wife checks his email! do tell, do you come up with these nuggets of truth to compensate for the blame game u play in your head or in rare moments you find yourself not whining? http://twitter.com/JohnMcCain has less then 9000 followers. http://twitter.com/BarackObama has over 521,000 followers. that's 2 seconds of research. here's a site you should check out http://killyourself.com
cheers whiny mcgoo!
I'm a Twitter Shitter!
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/4/23/
Came here to post for the PA comic, left satisfied.
Also, Twitter asks "What are you doing right now?" The correct answer is ALWAYS, "No one cares."
Wo0w, good stuff.
RT
www.online-privacy.pro.tc
To be honest, I'm not a very sociable person, and the thought of coming up with 140 characters on a daily basis is a bit too much. Heck, I feel put upon to speak more than ten words in a conversation. And grunts, nods, and waving my hands about wouldn't work too well (they don't usually work too well in conversations, either). I've been a third-shifter most of my life, a contributing factor in my introversion. I like nights and the peace that comes from having no people around. For me this new social sensation on the Web has at the very least opened an avenue to improve my communication skills. Grunts and waving my hands aside.
I learned some points from your Twitter Guide, thanks for sharing
Holy shit this was a worthwhile post.
I'm getting ready to poop...
Way to call out the social media pig slop!
Tony L said...
Joe we need a shitrep. Are you in fact pooping?
'shitrep' is my favorite new word!
twitter is for n00bs. srsly. i wroted a blog about it!
You spent 2 weeks on twitter and wrote a shitty, unresearched blog post about it. A winner is you, douchebag.
I had diarrhea earlier. This article reminded me of it.
This is a really disgusting article. I can't believe that anyone would read it, but I can believe that someone would write it. Sorry. Blogging is dead. Twitter lives and breathes, unlike this pooping site.
Check out a real Twitter article for beginners. http://techgurlz.wordpress.com
Happy Tweeting! Don't follow me, k?
Love this blog. I hate this egocentric, I-am-taking-a-shit-and-think-anyone-cares-movement that we're currently in. As if people have this short attentionspan that it's only possible to communicate in 140 characters.. Dickheads.
Thinking of pooping btw..
Joe,
Sure there are a TON of tools on Twitter. And many of those people are so-called "Social Media Experts." But there are tools everywhere. There are plenty of others who just post inane drivel like: "I just ate a donut" - similar to the Facebook status update thing.
However if you consider Twitter just one more way to communicate with people and find useful information, then it can prove very useful. Using Twitter for "social media" is incredibly boring. That's like watching TV to "see TV." WTF with that?
I made a point to have all my life's interests represented in my Twitter presence, so I follow people that share info about: marketing, wine, tennis, music, travel, politics, news, technology, parenting, zen living, romance, parenting, etc. In fact, I make a point NOT to talk about work related stuff on Twitter over the weekend. It has become an incredibly diverse source of news... OFTEN WAY MORE OBJECTIVE AND RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS than CNN, MSN or BBC. Also, Twitter is becoming a leading source for search... especially in terms of very current search.
A few highlights of my Twitter experiences include:
1. Finding people scoping out my family's neighborhood in Clearlake, Texas during the last hurricane. I was in Cali, and they were at my home in Austin. They were able to find out that their house was still standing. Good luck doing that via the news.
2. Mumbai... the conversations about that tragedy were amazing on Twitter. People in Texas were helping people in Mumbai get info on family in hotels and hospitals.
3. The Centers for Disease Control uses Twitter to find birds with bird flu. If you find a unusually dead bird (I know that's a funny phrase) anywhere in the world, take a pic and twitpic it to the CDC. They send out an expert to pick it up and examine it, potentially saving lives.
4. http://thru-you.com/ Kutiman made those brilliant mash-ups out of various YouTube videos. He emailed the link to 20 friends. Within a week, a million people had visited the site. No marketing. Just Twitter.
5. For business, Twitter is a great resource to finding information on specialized vendors, opinions on products and services, and even to generating business leads just by offering to help people who ask for specific services.
I encourage you to try it out again - and get past the obviously lame aspect. You didn't stop using email just because of spam, so why not.
Korye
Blasphemer! Profligate! Atheist!
More! More!
An entire post on twitter without one cutesy "tword" about "tweeple". My monitor just blew up and I have to go poop. Right after I tell twitter that I am going.
Not tweeple. Sheeple. As in: "most of the 'this post is ass' people here are..."
i'm pooping
I love how offended the Twits get when you bash Twitter. It's the same level of offense you see in marketing people when you tell them they don't actually do anything useful. Coincidence? I think not.
Bravo. Amen! Nuff said.
Tweet me when you're pooping Joe. I'm following you at http://twitter.com/Joe'sShitRepDaily
Ahahahah, so true ...
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